Awareness is power.
This is me…
Hi, I’m Annie and I am 38 years old.
I have created this blog in the hopes that what I share will help many others awaken in their journey of self-discovery and emotional healing from narcissistic abuse.
I am not a trained psychologist but rather an empath who grew up emotionally and psychologically affected by toxic family members and different partners throughout my life.
Because of certain experiences and the people involved, I grew to have a strong fascination with human behavior and how the human mind works.
I just couldn’t fathom how certain people could do the evil things they did, and I felt I just had to understand it.
I wanted justice for all the bad in the world and healing for all the sufferers.
Thus the reason why I found myself working as a Support Worker with abused and neglected children.
And previously as a Prison Officer in the WA Department of Justice.
You could say that I have a deep personal interest in wanting to understand the connection between criminal behavior and the human psyche,
attached with my own spiritual beliefs and a sense of justice.
Years ago, I didn’t even know what the word ‘narcissist’ really meant.
I just had a vision of an extraverted obnoxious, arrogant and self-centered individual when I thought of the word ‘narcissist’.
Boy, was I wrong! I have now come to discover that there is so much more to the meaning of the word!
How the discovery of ‘covert narcissists’ changed my life…
For most of my life I chose to stay single, I often found it difficult to trust or let anyone close to my emotions.
But when I did date, I seemed to attract charming but self absorbed manipulative partners.
With each one being more toxic than the last.
During a short-term relationship in 2018, I accidently stumbled on the words ‘covert narcissists’ whilst Googling some of my partner’s behaviors online.
I wanted to know what the signs of cheating were.
This was due to my strong sense of intuition that my partner was cheating on me for which I had no evidence to support my accusation at the time.
As I began to learn about covert narcissists, my sense of self strengthened.
Everything suddenly began making sense and a calmness of clarity washed over me like never before.
I could relate to everything that I was reading online or the things I was watching on the YouTube videos.
It felt like my life was rewinding and unravelling in my mind making me feel reborn into a new person at the age of 34.
I had finally taken off my rose colored glasses!
And I became obsessed with wanting to understand everything I could about narcissism.
The truth was healing…
My world immediately opened up and the light of truth began to shine through the emotional confusion of everything I had ever experienced.
For the first time in my life, I no longer felt alone in my emotional and mental struggles.
I wasn’t going crazy and I had finally found the explanation to my constant stress, confusion and anxiety that I had accepted as ‘normal’ growing up.
And once I understood their agenda, patterns and behaviors, their actions towards me felt less personal.
I started trusting my intuition more, believing what I saw and felt rather than what I was being told by the narcissists in my life.
I began to understand their manipulation tactics and realized I deserved so much more than what I was getting from these one-sided mind games of a relationship.
I instantly saw certain family members in the light of truth, and I began accepting them for the empty, deceiving, jealous and controlling souls that they truly were.
And I even began to see my career differently.
At the time I was working as a Prison Officer believing that most of the prisoners could possibly be rehabilitated.
But I soon realized that the high majority of them had chosen to stay the way they were and would never change.
Never accept responsibility or take accountability for their evil deeds committed.
With their self entitled and controlling attitudes to match.
I was also beginning to accept some of my fellow Officers for who they really were.
And I could see that they got enjoyment by enforcing power and control in the workplace.
With many abusing their power. Deceit lies at every level.
I realized, I had been surrounded by narcissistic individuals everywhere.
I began questioning everything and everyone in my mind.
How had I only come to the realization of narcissists at this point in my life?
Especially when I had been living among so many the entire time!
The ultimate lesson…
Although nearly 2 years after that discovery, I did end up attracting another narcissistic partner into my life.
The most toxic and manipulative one I have yet encountered.
At the beginning, he was charming, attentive, kind, a great listener and romantic.
I never wanted a relationship to begin with but after a couple of months of friendship, his ways soon won my trust over.
Over the next following months, his true self would begin to appear bit by bit.
And the man I thought I had loved was suddenly no where to be seen.
I soon realized he was a pathological liar, physically abusive, self absorbed, passive aggressive bully,
and an emotional manipulator with stalking behaviors.
In the end, I had to block all contact and physically distance myself to another state just to safely escape the relationship.
I am extremely lucky to not have kids with this man, to not have that reason to always have to stay connected with him.
For this reason, I truly feel for his ex-partner whom she shares 3 kids with him.
Mainly because of this relationship, I have discovered so much more about myself.
And have a better understanding of the world around me and the narcissists in it.
It now truly fascinates me how we can easily fall prey to these sorts of toxic relationships.
And why we can feel so connected to the abusers and remain trapped in their web of deceit.
I read back through all our messages throughout the entire relationship and realized I had ended our relationship so many times.
And somehow he was always able to manipulate his way back into my life after each break up.
Those old text messages and emails have now become great narc study material for me.
Narcs are the ultimate master manipulators and would make great sales people.
As an empath, I used to think that everyone thought like me and had good intentions.
Sometimes making mistakes but always owning it and changing my ways.
I was always trying to be kind, empathetic, honest and giving.
They say, ‘do onto others as you would like them to do onto you’.
I now see that predators are everywhere and they take advantage of people who think like this.
Being naïve, I was constantly giving people the benefit of the doubt, especially the narcissistic individuals.
I never realized that these qualities I had were attracting people who only wanted to exploit me.
Because I didn’t know that covert narcissism was even a thing, I wasn’t aware that I needed to protect myself from these characters.
And so, I would stay in these toxic relationships being manipulated with guilt and sympathy, into thinking I was helping these so called insecure victims.
But really, I was only enabling the abusers, whilst getting myself manipulated, used and abused at the same time.
All the while, being oblivious to their real intentions.
And I had ignored all their poor behaviors and simply accepted that it was just a part of who they were.
The narcissistic members in my family had always manipulated me into questioning myself,
and not what they were actually doing to me and everyone else.
If I ever stood up for myself, they would rage, act like the victim, portray me as unreasonable and unstable.
I did what ever it took to avoid a physical altercation, even if it meant submitting to their control most of the time.
As a kid growing up, I feared being my true self around most of my own family members.
Because it felt like, that being myself, was somehow annoying to them.
My emotions or experiences were rarely validated.
And they would also try and have everyone else looking at me like I was the bully, crazy, unstable, stupid or the guilty one, simply for speaking the truth.
Everyone would doubt my side of the story and that would further traumatize my experiences.
I was always in a losing battle, so it became much easier and less painful to keep things to myself,
and distance myself from them whenever possible.
And I also felt the need to avoid anyone that appeared to believe their false narratives.
They made me feel like I was never good enough, constantly judging and attacking me behind my back.
And using passive insults that they covered up with smiles, pretended it was a joke or later denied.
I grew to have thick skin, I learned to not to care about what other people thought.
I trusted no one for a very long time, and I became self-reliant.
I had to believe that God would always protect and provide for me.
But underneath it all, it hurt.
It hurt the most because it came from the people closest to me.
The ones I had given all my love, trust, support and efforts to. They were the only family I had.
I was the scapegoat, while they always played the victim, and constantly discredited my character with lies,
twisted truth, shaming and blaming me for things they were guilty of just to deflect from their own mistakes and internal misery.
They would down play any problems or achievements I had, but at the same time bask in the glory or take credit if it made them look good to others.
Most of the time, they would spread gossip behind my back trying to turn my most trusted sister against me.
But little did they know, that I would eventually hear of the lies they tell about me and about their own lives.
And now, they all still continue to play the victim because I have called them out on their lies and no longer want them in my life.
They portray me as the bitch, simply for setting boundaries and no longer believing their acts or their lies.
The discovery of co-dependency…
Whether you believe in psychics or not, the most recent psychic I seen totally changed my views in life.
One thing she told me was that, I attracted these toxic partners into my life because I was subconsciously seeking the love that I never got from my parents.
And I was looking for it in my relationships.
Although I’ve had my share of emotional and mental struggles in life, I always saw myself as an independent woman.
And my close friends often wonder how I get myself into such relationships or situations.
I look back now, and I wonder that at times too.
But that revelation gave me massive insight and an understanding of the co-dependency that was seated deep and hidden within me.
And it explained my obsession with wanting to fix broken people.
Situations in my childhood taught me to numb my feelings and minimize all my negative experiences.
Because I felt I wasn’t allowed to be ‘weak’ or ‘whiny’. I was forced to believe that ‘things were never that bad’.
Or ‘nobody will believe you anyway’, ‘no body cares, so what’s the point’.
I learned to accept that my negative experiences were ‘normal’, and just continued living life as best as I could.
Looking back, I realized that I had been psychologically manipulated and intimidated into submission.
Just so people’s selfish and abusive ways were not exposed.
Who would believe me anyhow, when they would show the world a different face to the one they showed me?
My feelings and experiences were constantly mocked or denied,
and I certainly was not allowed to have my needs and emotions affect or inconvenience someone else.
And so, I began hiding it from the world, using alcohol and cigarettes to suppress my emotions.
Due to this reason, I had major trust issues that affected many relationships throughout life.
And I found it difficult to relate to most people.
In some ways, I guess I could relate to the narcissist’s pains and deepest insecurities.
Thus the reason I always gave them the benefit of the doubt and tried to help them.
I felt that helping others gave me a sense of purpose in life, and it made me feel less empty on the inside.
And I truly believed that I was being strong by burying and denying my emotions.
Just so I wasn’t vulnerable to the constant attacks of life.
But just like the narcissists, under all my armor and happy smiles; I was weak.
I was broken and I had somehow allowed myself to be used over and over.
Speaking your truth is powerful…
I have now learned that being honest with my emotions help me to not repeatedly attract these similarly harmful relationships deep into my life.
To trust my gut instincts more, to respect my needs and know how I deserve to be treated.
And to believe what I see and not what others continuously try and ingrain into my mind with their manipulative and empty words.
It has also helped me to create stronger boundaries for myself,
and only continue giving my time and energy to those who reciprocate and appreciate my authenticity.
It’s taught me to accept people for who they really are, and to stop giving certain individuals the benefit of the doubt.
This discovery has allowed me to stop seeing the dysfunctionality in my family dynamics as normal.
Which in turn, stops me from allowing dysfunctionality in my other personal relationships.
These powerful beliefs of the truth has been emotionally and mentally healing, and has placed me on a bigger journey to self-discovery.
I now give love to myself without seeking it from others.
I understand my self-worth without having to prove it to anyone and I now better protect my energy from the takers around me.
I have so much more peace in my life, hope for my future and confidence in myself, now more than ever.
Walking away from toxic friendships and co-workers was always easy to do.
But I could never fully break the toxic ties from certain family members and partners…
until I discovered the words ‘covert narcissists’, and understood the games they played.
I no longer feel the obligation to give them anymore of my trust, my respect or my time.
Which has now freed me from their toxic, abusive and endless mind games.
I want everyone who is affected, to heal from narcissistic abuse…
I now only want to help the right people who are grateful and don’t exploit my kindness,
instead of wasting my time unknowingly helping ungrateful, selfish and abusive manipulative people.
They are like a demonic species intoxicating innocent people’s minds and souls whilst destroying all aspects of our lives!
Whether it be emotionally, spiritually, physically, psychologically or financially.
And it appears their population around the world is growing in numbers every year.
Once you understand that they all similarly play the game of life from the same handbook,
you can equip yourself with the knowledge to learn the tools needed to cope and manage your way when having to deal with them.
The abuse was never about them rejecting us, it was always about them deflecting and projecting their insecurities onto us.
I hope that by sharing what I have discovered truly changes your life and saves your soul in the way that this discovery had changed and saved me.
Please, also do your own research on any of these topics.
Any information I share with you on this site is purely my opinions based from my own observations and experiences.
Also having relating it to my own research done on the topics.
There are many great certified psychologists, qualified teachers or even individuals with life experience to learn from.
Whom they share their experiences and knowledge through written articles, books or YouTube channels.
Remember, that knowledge and standing in our own truth is true power.
Unlike the narcissist who believes that control is power, whilst having no truth of their own.
Please continue to learn and share on the knowledge to help others out of their traumatic and abusive situations.
So that they too, can discover their life’s true purpose and live in the love and light that we all deserve.
One shared bit of knowledge could save another person’s life.
Also, feel free to leave comments on any of the posts and share your thoughts and experiences.
Especially anything uplifting to support other readers that may be struggling in their current situation.
May God bless and protect you on your journey of self discovery. 🙏🏼