Hope keeps us stuck
The toxic relationship is only built on hope
At many points during our relationship with the narcissist, we had hopes that the relationship would improve.
We had hope because of the narcissist’s promises and caring words
which we did not realize were empty at the time.
We believed everything that they said, which gave us hope
and made us stay in an empty, toxic and one-sided relationship longer than we should have.
This toxic dynamic can be with our family members, boss, work colleagues, friends or lovers.
If we really think about it, our whole relationship with them only began and continued
because of our hope, not truth, not love nor honesty.
Our hope was created by their lies and manipulation to keep us in the relationship
so they could continue to use us.
Hope that they will change, hope that the promises will be kept, hope that we can ‘fix them’.
And hope that we will again see the person we thought we loved,
but that person was only wearing a mask to begin with.
Offers of things we’ve always hoped for
Hoovering often works because when we leave the narcissist,
we still carry that hope within our hearts because we genuinely cared about them.
And the things we hoped for are often our basic needs in any relationship.
So, they will often come back saying and doing all the very things we always wanted and needed,
thus, strengthening that hope once again.
And we may believe that things will be different this time if we gave them another chance.
Just remember, that they withheld everything we needed deliberately to hurt us in the first place.
And the only reason they are pretending to give you everything you want now,
is because they get something out of it.
It’s simply more lies, more manipulation and more abuse.
They don’t do it because they care, they do it only for themselves to keep you attached to them.
If we are still strongly trauma bonded to them, it makes us more susceptible to fall for the trap.
Going no contact, and focusing on self-healing can help to see the hoovering for what it is.