My realization
There comes a point when you must accept the fact that the narcissist will not change and does not want to change no matter what promises they make.
I realized after several months of continuous empty promises and seeing more lies and more abuse, that my ex narcissist had no intentions of changing.
Or following through with any of his promises.
After that realization, it occurred to me that the pain I felt had now become my fault.
Because I had trusted the narcissist’s empty words one too many times, who I suddenly realized had been a pathological liar this whole time.
I looked back over the relationship remembering all the red flags I had ignored.
It was the day I woke up, and realized that I had been involved with a narcissist.
This was the very type of relationship I had been avoiding…
The very subject I had been obsessed with researching for the previous 24 months…
The same abusive relationships that I had been helping my friends escape or heal from…
How did I get here again? I felt the devil had challenged me and he got me good.
My experience with no contact
I had decided to leave for the last and final time.
Now that I knew who he really was, I could see through the games he played.
He was not going to be able to manipulate me back in this time.
It definitely wasn’t an easy process once I had made the decision.
I knew he was not going to let me go easy.
So I decided to move to another state without giving him any clue to my plans for fears of my safety.
I went through so many emotions.
The pain and confusion was real, and so was the connection I felt to him.
But now I understand that it was a toxic soul tie, the trauma bond.
Some days I would miss him terribly, remembering the good times, wanting to believe his words and forgive him.
But I had to remember, none of it was real. It was all an illusion.
And I had been here at this point in the relationship many times before.
Then the next day I would feel like an idiot for having been played recalling all the red flags I ignored allowing him to gaslight me over and over.
I would fear for my safety remembering previous physical abuse and the passive aggressive threats he had bestowed on me.
I grieved the loss of the person I believed I had loved, fighting against knowing he never existed.
I had to accept that the dark souled person I now saw was the real him and he had deceived me.
It was all an act so he could get what he wanted from me.
I also had to accept the fact that he never loved me, although he would tell me and everyone else that he did.
The psychological trauma of it all is something I cannot yet put into words.
The internal conflict was a painful struggle for many, many weeks.
And I pray for those that have been trapped in these toxic relationships for years and decades longer than I have.
Because for many others, I know it can take months or even years to fully heal.
Acceptance of the truth
There were so many things to accept before I could close the door to that chapter.
Another thing I had to accept was that I couldn’t change or help him.
As much as my empathic side wanted to believe in the good and honesty of others; deep down, I knew he was a different breed.
He had allowed his demons to take over his soul a long time ago.
I had to leave that hope of change to a higher power.
He didn’t want to change; it appeared to me that he was happy hurting and using others to get what he wanted.
He was even happy to hurt me then blamed me for the pain he inflicted onto myself.
I had to accept that I got fooled, the narcissist had played me well.
He never loved me, and only took from me without ever truly giving.
Everything that he did give me, was used against me. Even things I never wanted and things I never asked for.
My needs were never met and my emotions were played.
I also had to accept that everything I had invested into the relationship was lost and wasted.
I had to cut my losses and accept that I now had to start again in life with less than I had begun with when I first met the narcissist.
Whether it was my time, my finances, my efforts, my trust or the love and confidence I had for myself.
Within 12 months of meeting my ex-narc, I had become a much smaller version of myself.
